let free love... ring.

Over the last few days, I’ve been reflecting on different thoughts and conundrumsand I figured that I should run it past others (since I couldn’t find anybody, I chose you guys). I've been having sex on and off for years now and I'd like to think I have a Ph. D in the Vagina Monologues know what I'm doing. In retrospect, it’s been fun for the most part... at least for me anyway, and that's what counts, right? During that time span, I've come to realize something. We all should be having a lot more sex than we are -- at least most of us should (It’d save some of us $39.99 for the new releases… but that’s a story for another day).

Here's the thing. Almost all of us are fairly selective when it comes to our sexual partners. Girls look for strong, confident, masculine types with wit and charm. Guys look for . . . well; we look for the finest [or fastest] thing that will let us into their panties. Often, the amount of attractiveness required is inversely related to the length of time since the last sexual encounter and/or the amount of alcohol in his/her system. People, these standards are all wrong. We're selling ourselves shorter than a dwarf prostitute.

Sex is sex, a physical act; don’t go making it deeper than what it is.

Just remember this:

Ladies: you’re not going to always see fireworks when you finally let him hit the Good Ship Lollipop.

Fellas: just because you’re gettin’ the draws does not mean you have to marry this chick.

Let's be honest with ourselves here. Any hint of beauty, charm, grace, and/or wit flies right out the door as soon as the penis enters the vagina -- possibly even before. Have you ever looked at someone when you're having sex with them? People make the strangest, ridiculous, and most inexcusable faces when they're in the throes of passion. Eyes roll back. Mouths hang open. People grunt as if they were trying to get rid of last night's Guacamole Surprise. Even more peculiar, peoples' bodies do that bizarre convulsing thing when they climax and their toes curl. Are you developing the mental picture?

And the things we say . . . oh, the things we say.

That person you met at the club who was charming and witty, and who said all the right things, all of a sudden begins spewing forth profanities that would make a porn star blush -- from the same mouth they kiss their mother with, no less. The wit, charm, and even coherence are all gone and you're left with a shell of a person who has lost the ability to use 95.5% of their brain. And just who started this thing where we all talk to God while we're doing it? If our brains were actually engaged during sex, we'd see the irony of calling out to God while we're hitting it doggy-style...

Then, there are the horrific noises we make. Grunting and groaning as if we were lying on our death bed. Have you ever thought about the fact that a person having sex will often replicate the sounds you might here from a person recently awoken from major abdominal surgery? Those sounds obliterate any amount of dignity we entered the bedroom with.

Not to mention that, if the sex is great, we end up all sweaty, sticky, and smelling like a mixture of barn animals by the end. In fact, the better the sex, the louder, more outlandish, more unattractive, wetter, stickier, and less coherent we become. We become the exact opposite of what the other person was looking for in the first place!!

My point here is that all those attributes you are looking for in a sex partner don't amount to squat once the lights go out and the legs go up. We all become reduced to sweaty, gutter-mouthed idiots with ludicrous (even downright ugly) expressions on our faces. Yet, we continue to look for the very opposite in a sex partner.

People, we are all being much too selective when it comes having sex. Let's all just step back a moment, realize the error of our ways, and resolve not to limit our sex partners based on such silly and obviously irrelevant criteria. Let's stop discriminating against the ugly and the meek and start having sex. The next time you see someone who looks like they might enjoy having sex with you, I want you to go right up to them and ask them to have sex with you. If they've read my blog, they'll likely smile, say okay, and the next thing you know you'll be swinging from the rafters. If they haven't read my blog… well, then you'll likely have to move on.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to start today. Who's comin’ with me?




"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

That's my time.