beneficial friendships. [classic post]

We've all been there; that long, seemingly endless drought during which time you get no play, no action, none of that sweet, that good, that gushy stuff. The single life is mundane, and you've got no viable prospects. Some take matters into their own hands (in West Virginia, many descend into the arms of a sexy sibling). You start to think to yourself this can’t be for too long, I’m quick-witted and too attractive to be single. This thought permeates throughout the corridors of your mind (seeping down into other regions within your body) until you decide there are no other viable candidates. You’re desperate to see any feasible candidates and you decide to try a new route aptly-titled “friends with benefits” (or the part-time lover).

You know how it starts: one day, you’re with your friend, and notice how he/she is attractive [or fill random trait that makes you horny] and how great you interact. Next thing, you know you’ve stained some sheets with whipped cream and exotic oils, laying in the wet spot wondering how in the world you got into this mess.

YOU: What in the hell just happened?
THEM: What in the hell just happened?
YOU: It was good, though.
THEM: I can’t believe we did this.
YOU: Ooh, that was good.
THEM: This will ruin our friendship.
YOU: Let’s do this again ‘cuz this felt really good.
THEM: We shouldn’t be doing – but it felt so right.
YOU: I hope this doesn’t mess our friendship but it was good, though.
THEM: I’ve always wanted to make love to someone who could be my best friend.

Generally, this situation usually doesn’t end up at the altar (but we continue to paint the fine line of friend and lover). The part-time lover finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. It started with some dude, who was sick of being “trapped” in a relationship, sick of some female’s crap yet still feenin’ for her brown sugar, voiced a proposal, an agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship complications; totally need-based, not emotional like what those other suckers are doing; just for a little while. It's the perfect plan. Kind of like a severance package for his package, until it finds “new employment” (almost like a staffing agency, you know, temp-to-hire).

The mistake didn't lie in the idea, because people come up with stupid ideas every day. Attempting to have sex with your ex isn't exactly innovative, either.

The mistake, avid My Two Cents.™ readers, is that he or she agreed to it.

This novel thought opened a new escape clause for anti-relationships everywhere. Sex with no strings; the multiple-night-stand; the part-time lover (hell, even Stevie Wonder could see that was a great deal). In later years, the part-time lover made way for other dating loophole innovations like Revenge Sex and the Late Night Booty Call…. but I digress.

So here you are, still bitching about not being able to find someone special, but now you have a big ol’ Kool-Aid smile on your face.

Why?

You’re getting some of that oohwee, that makes me wanna holler, that sexual healing, seeing how Stella really got her groove back (you know before the closet opening, no Lance Bass).

In order for the part-time lover plan to work, there must be rules in place. You must both be single. You're probably not getting any from anyone else; otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for the part-time lover. You can't get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that crap (SIDEBAR: fat chance of that happening). You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of all, you can’t let it interfere with your (or your friend's) dating life.

You know what?

With all those rules, it starts to sound a lot like a… relationship or worse, a JOB.

In theory, it's like finding a bag of money. You can’t believe your luck and you probably don’t think to ask yourself [INSERT INNER MONOLOGUE: "Self, where in the hell did this money come from?"]. Your dumb tail is just happy you ain’t broke right now. You can't believe that you're the only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember, no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were last night, you're in heaven. But as we all know with money (and love/lust), you never know when it's all going to run out.

Disaster comes into play when one of the two friends in the agreement is harboring feelings (it just takes one). Think about it, any friend who would just concur to start having casual yet semi-exclusive sex (especially with you) has to have an agenda of their own. The fact that they look at you, lick their lips and fondle appendages is a give-away too. Chances are they not are fully aware of it themselves (these account for 90% of the part-time lover files). With this being said, when the drought is over, and the emergency the part-time lover rations can be put away, that pre-existing crush is enough to cause immense (yet, swift to you) jealousy and the victim is your platonic, un-awkward, normal friendship.

That's assuming you're good (and compatible in bed) which can lead to another kind of adversity.

What if you don't click in bed?
What if you chicken out as soon as they get naked?
What if you end up laying there saying "what the hell did we just do"?
What if you can't finish?
What if you can't even "rise to the occasion"?

These are things that start to mess with confidence and self-esteem. It also makes for an awkward game of Who Wants To Play With The Pudding Pop UNO next time you two are hanging out alone (assuming that you're even able to be alone together after that point).

Then there are the resentment issues. Eventually, someone will start to feel like the other person's back-up booty. Sex without all the relationship-type stuff leaves you a lot of time to think about what you just did, especially when your love interest just jumped up to play a video game or to call the guy she's really interested in.

It's rare to find someone mature enough to have continuous sex and not develop feelings for them. It's even rarer to find someone who can deal with those feelings if and when they show up. In the end, you've got feelings (i.e. awkwardness, jealousy, resentment, and all the other things) that can stop a relationship dead in its tracks (by the way, a friendship is a relationship). And it sucks more than an overworked porn starlet that the relationship that got you into this mess, can make you end up losing a lover AND a friend.

In essence, in trying to avoid headaches, you back your way into migraines. You're stuck. You're solo again, this time; you’re bored as hell 'cuz you don't even have your friend to call on. But sometimes, you look over at that other person and realize that you're having sex with someone you like to hang out with, who likes all the same stuff you do, who knows all your secrets and still wants to hang out with you. Sometimes, they realize it too. Then things work out and you get to twerk it out…

Have you ever been in a friend with benefits situation?
If so, can/does it work?
If not, why not?

That's my two cents – let me know your thoughts...